Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Therapy Books .. My God Send !

Well , I have had a interesting day. I got up , took my daughter to school . Came home , sat for 10 mins on facebook thinking how i would like to kick Fred's head in ( more pictures of new girls and comments ) and then cried for 10 mins.

Anyway , when i started to look like Alice Cooper I decided it was time to close down the facebook ( as we have established it makes me angry !! ) and decided to do something productive.

I have recently bought a book called " Too Good To Leave , Too Bad To Stay " ... I think this book was sent to me by god himself , who looked down upon me and thought " you know what she has put up with enough shit and needs some answers now "

Anyway, the book is basically a book about how to decided if your relationship is over or not . But unlike other therapy books this one actually gives you answers .... no pussyfooting around ..

It basically gives you a whole series of questions to ask yourself.

eg : Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

Anyway there is like a millions questions but the best is that you get a answer !! like the above question , my answer to this was No , then it gives you the answer which is to leave the relationship , it says if things were never very good between you at their best , how can they ever be good in the future ?? basically If it never was very good , it'll never be very good !!

This woman is a genius who wrote this book ! The book tells you this is a guide and it is there to help you get out of your ambivalence state of your relationship.

Since reading it , i am starting to feel more positive , i would still like to smash Fred's head in with a hammer , or just make his life unbearable , but i am not going to do that.

I am going to hold my head high safe in the knowledge that when I move onto my next relationship , it will be a fulfilling , happy , loving and unselfish one ....... because i have took the time out to see what my mistakes have been and how i can change my attitude and get what i want from my relationships.

Fred on the other hand will end up either lonely or with some stupid bint that will put up with his behaviour and then one day wake up like i did and realise that he is a selfish , emotionally challenged bastard who will not change ........... If there is one thing i can count on is that Fred will continue to make the same mistakes again and again because he can't change because he does not want to change and i will tell his new love "I told you so" !!

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Are some people just put on this earth to piss me off ??

Well , got up this morning was nearly late to drop my daughter off at school , I guess sleeping on a floor eventually gets to you ! Maybe I should kick Fred's ass out of what used to be our bedroom and i could get a good nights sleep ???

Today was the usual , got her to school , came home and sat for 20 mins looking at facebook and feeling vexed as some girl had wrote about Fred again ... I need to wean myself off this , every time i look at it , with each picture and each comment about him i find myself getting more and more angry. Its like he is rubbing his single life in my face. I know what your thinking " why is she bothered , she is leaving him" .. it is sort of humiliating for me as everyone i know can see it family , friends , co- workers. I guess i need to get over this this but it really bugs the crap out of me. I hate him for it .

I am off upstairs now to clean the toilet with his toothbrush .. childish but entertaining ...

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Morning's are not good times to argue !

Sometimes you wake up and think " why do i need to ask this question ? "

I woke up and dragged my butt into the bathroom , took one look at last nights make-up on my face and thought , why do I look like a woman who has been through 10 wars ?? why do I feel like I am watching a movie of my own life and the woman playing me is a really shit actress ??

The house was quiet as both my child and ex are fast asleep. I took myself downstairs for a coffee and then HE came down.

The other day i sent him a text asking him what changes would he make in order for me to stay . I knew the following things i wanted ..

1. Joint bank account - no more secrets stashes of money and all bills are divided equally and we tackle any money problems together .

2. No more female " friends " ... female work colleagues he can speak to in work , there is no reason on earth i think that a another woman should be calling him at 1am ( as one was the other day ) unless there is more going on than being a acquaintance. So no hiding mobile phone - if i want to look at his mobile .. let me

3. No more hidden email accounts - if i want to look at them .. let me

Understand these 3 things I needed just to make me feel that there is no secrets between us, no lies , no separate lives with me in one boat and him in another .

Anyway , he decided to bring up the text , so i asked him what changes would he make .. his reply was vague .. AND then i laid my cards down and told him the 3 practical things i would want to make me feel secure and start building some trust again .....

It was at this point he decided to raise his voice and say "what I am suppose to just hand my life over to you ?? "

I pointed out that if i am ( as he says ) everything to him then why would these 3 things be a problem ?? what has he got to hide ?? It diminished into a blazing row , with me calling him a selfish bastard and that even when i have given him his last chance to try and make this relationship work , he still cant give up this secret single life that he wants to keep.

I am at a utter loss .. I guess i knew what the answer would be but i thought at least give him that one last chance .. my final parting words were " that was your last fucking chance to save this relationship and you have just kicked me in the teeth and if you think that i am ever going to give you another chance ..then you are sadly mistaken.

So now i am back to square one .. still waiting to be re-housed ( i have to see the council again today and give them a letter from child benefit to prove i really have a child ! her passport is not enough apparently !) and in the back on my mind all i can here is that bloody song .. here i go again on my own by that 80's rock band with big hair !

I need to get back to work at some point ... get my mind on the straight and narrow , the doctor has signed me off for 2 weeks and my boss has said that is fine and just come back when i am good and ready , so at least i have that .

I could kick myself for even offering him another chance , my brain kept saying , stupid woman but my heart kept saying No give him one more chance.

Why do we listen to our hearts ??? to be fair they are fraught with emotional distress , they are unbalanced , they are stupid , unreasonable , complex , and can never see what is best for you. I assume i am not the only woman in world to continue to give a ex another chance again and again , but at some point your brain must kick in and say " you know what heart , you need to give up now "

as the saying goes .... A breakup is like a broken mirror..its better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Sex and The Council Estate

I need to vent .... why is life so difficult at times ? I have decided after 10 years to leave my partner ... it became apparent that i should do this when i caught him for the 10 milliionth time emailing , texting and calling other women . There comes a time in a womans life when she has to realise that no matter how much you try .. once a twat always a twat.

Relationships are complicated. You love them , you hate them , you can't live with them , you cant live without them and one day you wake up and find the bastard is out clubbing it with 20 something year old uni girls ( the man is 40 ) ... and to add insult to injury is also posting the pictures of his nights out on facebook for everyone to see.

Anyway , i decided enough was enough , apart from the fact his was a selfish bastard who would not even lend me £5 unless i promised to give it back when i got paid , he would not decorate , do gardening , washing , cleaning .. basically fuck all apart from play on his play station and laptop ... if i had nintendo stamps on my ass I may have even got sex now and again .. ( although all his energy was being used productively on uni girls LOL )

I would like to say that although i am slightly bitter ... ok maybe a bit more than that .. I intend to get through this with as much dignity as possible .. so to give my friends a break i am going to use this blog to salvage some of my sanity ... and as i have to live with man on a day to day basis at the minute until the council re-house me .. this could be a long journey ..